How to Respect Aizen Sousuke
by SuperYuuki
Summary: A memo to all of my minions.  And any Soul Reapers that happen upon this as well.  Some things need to change around here, and these are those things. It is mandatory that you read this, or I'll send Wonderweiss after you. - Aizen Sousuke.
1. General Rules

How to Respect Aizen Sousuke

By SuperYuuki Aizen Sousuke

**A Message from the Author**

Ha-ha-ha, hello minions, it is I, the great and omnipotent Aizen Sousuke. This message is intended for mainly my Espada, but I recommend that all you lowly Soul Reapers read it, too. There has been an ongoing streak of disrespect around here, and I am putting a stop to it, once and for all.

Yes, Grimmjow, I am talking about _you._

Remember, I own you,

Aizen Sousuke

**Section ONE: GENERAL RULES**

It is tea time when I say it is tea time. Not in five minutes, not in a few hours, NOW.

Nnoitra, we understand that you hate Nelliel Tu Oderschwank, but she's been gone for a century, it's time to stop declaring such in red paint on the walls. Gin, Tousen, and I spent A LONG TIME refurbishing Las Noches, and we don't appreciate the wall art.

Loud arguing disrupts my beauty sleep. So, Grimmjow, stop randomly attacking Ulquiorra. You know you'll get PWNed anyways so why even try?

That goes for you two, also, Apache and Mila-Rose.

Don't dis the hair curl. I will smite you.

Gin, for the last time, I do not love you. I am straight, gosh darn it! I thought you were with Rangiku, anyways.

Where did you even get that idea?

Lilinette, that sentence should never be spoken ever again. Where did you even hear that?

Ggio, dressing all in black doesn't make you a ninja.

Ggio, the walls are all white. Black just makes you stand out more. You'd have more success in your uniform.

Starrk, falling asleep in other peoples' beds does give us ideas. I understand that you get tried easily, but please try to pass out in your own bedroom.

Ggio, I can still see you.

Ggio, Tousen can see you, and he's blind.

Findor, stop it with the Hanna Montana songs. Those songs were lame when they were cool.

For crying out loud, Gin, I do NOT want to have hot gay sex with you!

Yes, Szayel, we know what the name of your Zanpakuto means, but that doesn't give you the authority to make people sleep with you. You're not getting any, Szayel, face it.

To Loly and Menoly, I have no affection for ugly sluts like you. Get it through your thick heads. Never have, never will.

You are to return those magazines to the World of the Living at once, Nnoitra.

That was disgusting, Charlotte Chuulhorne.

No, Halibel, we do not ogle you 24/7. If you care that much, wear something less revealing.

Barragan, I hate you too.


	2. TeaTime Conduct

**A/N:** Okay, now I'm going to start mentioning a couple OCs… Akane, Tsukiyo, and Kikane, who are a couple of fan girls who very literally just hang out around Las Noches because they have nothing better to do. Kikane hangs out with Starrk (but is harassed by Nnoitra and creeped on by Grimmjow), Tsukiyo hangs out with Gin or sometimes Halibel, and Akane hangs with Aizen. Akane is mentally unstable, as said by all fifty-seven of her psychologists.

**Section Two: Tea-Time Conduct**

The next person to dump their tea on the ground next to them will be given to Szayel for painful experimentation. If Szayel is the next person, then he will be given to Starrk to be used as a pillow.

Gin, stop putting… things in people's tea. While the effects can be rather amusing, it's getting old fast. Get some new tricks or knock it off.

No, I will not send Ulquiorra to the Living World to get donuts.

The ONLY person allowed to fall asleep is STARRK. He can't help it.

Stop harassing Halibel to drink her tea. She's excused, and the ONLY one that is excused.

Aaroniero, that means you have to drink it, too. You have humanoid forms, and you can use them for other reasons than screwing with unsuspecting Soul Reapers' minds.

Tea-time is an Espada only event. None of anyone's Fraccion are allowed.

Illforte. Out. Now.

Diroy, if I find any more of your little "notes" carved into the table, I will lock you in a room with Wonderweiss for twenty-four hours.

Shawlong, stop sneaking into the kitchen and changing the recipe. Kaname is breaking out in hives from the coriander last week.

GODDAMMIT GRIMMJOW STOP THIS CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE TEA!

The next person to spike Akane's tea will have her set loose in their personal quarters. With a hammer, paint, and scissors.

Trust me, you don't want that.

Nnoitra, keep the arguments between you and Kikane verbal. Szayel is getting tired of reviving you every time Starrk nearly kills you.

Gin, I SAW THAT! Get away from Tsukiyo's tea! Hands where I can see them! Now back away… slowly… good boy.

No, we do not have any "crumpets," nor am I completely sure what those are.

No, don't – just don't tell me.

Shinigami are not allowed in the tea room. Nor are Quincies. Or Full-bringers. Or Vizards. GTFO Kurosaki. Ulquiorra's in the throne room, not the meeting room.

Szayel, keep the experiments in the lab. I don't want any of my Espada suddenly and grotesquely changing gender right in front of me.

I'm not sure was that was, Ulquiorra, but for the sake of my sanity, could you not… do that again?


	3. Speech Regulations

**How to Respect Aizen Sousuke**

Section Three: Speech Regulations

Nnoitra, you are hereby forbidden to mention the name "Nelliel Tu Oderschwank" in ANY CONTEXT. Szayel NEEDED that lab.

You are all to address me as "Aizen-sama," even you Soul Reapers. Not "Aizen-teme," not "Bitch-Curl-san," not "The Godfather…"

Actually, that last one is okay.

I swear to myself, Nnoitra, if I hear one more double entendre about you and Nelliel doing… things… I will personally open a garganta and drop you right in the middle of the twelfth division's labs.

Grimmjow, use proper grammar or don't speak.

Szayel, stop making the translation of all Spanish terms we use perverted. You know that's not what it really means.

The word "smarticals" is hereby banned. If you were really that smart, you'd know that it wasn't a word.

Halibel, you must actually use your mouth to communicate occasionally, not just gestures. We don't need another misunderstanding like the one last week. Tousen still refuses to come out of that broom closet.

Grimmjow, just don't speak.

Speak in coherent sentences. If you speak as though you're half asleep, we can't understand you. Yes, Starrk, I'm talking to you.

Akane, if I hear the words "Ulquihime," "AiIchi," "AiGin," "GrimmIchi," "NnoiNel," or "GrimmSoi" from you one more time, then you will grounded from tea. You have been warned.

If I even _think_ I'm hearing a description of any of the above pairings, Akane, you will be _punished_.

That does _not_ mean what it sounded like.

The phrases "Ya mad, bro?" and "Ya mad, bra?" are hereby banned. If someone is mad, you do not need to further provoke them by saying those phrases.

Orihime. SHUT. THE. HELL. UP.

Ulquiorra, control your girlfriend.

I'm sorry, I mean, your prisoner. **

Szayel, Vasto Lordes are not level three Akuma. Stop telling everybody that.

Szayel. Hollows are not Akuma, period.

"Charlie the Unicorn" and "Llamas with Hats" recitations are hereby prohibited. That means you, Kikane.

Tsukiyo, while I agree that that is a nice song, STOP. It got old last month.

Aaroniero Aruruerie, you are hereby forbidden to speak unless shapeshifted. Your voice is too annoying.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**A/N:** Have any of you read -Man? There are a lot of parallels between it and Bleach. Anti-Akuma weapons, for instance, are like Zanpakuto in the way that they have a will of their own (to an extent) and have different forms. Crowned Clown is like Allen's Bankai. Akuma remind me of Hollows, how they evolve as they kill, and in Japan, it's like Hueco Mundo, how they eat each other as well as humans, and how as they evolve, they become more intelligent. Also, I think Allen is a lot like Edward Elric from FMA. Just his attitude.

Komui Lee makes me think of Urahara. :)


End file.
